Now… how long have you known them?

I feel like my close friends come in waves.  Of the handful of people who have really made an impact on my life, and are still active players, the longest relationship is 5 years.

Throughout grade school into high school, it was pretty much the same kids I ran around with.  But then I moved away to college, and I lost touch with a lot of them.  I knew it was going to happen.  I acknowledged it openly.  They were fun people, but honestly?  A lot of them brought a lot of grief into my life and it just didn’t seem like they actually cared.  (This is me lumping all of them into a group — some of them probably did…)

In college, I made great friends.  I still remember “my firsts” — Joe, Mike, and Megan.  But even those people I don’t connect with as much.  I still love my college friends, tremendously so.  But I don’t hear from them often now that most of us have graduated and moved.  It takes a lot of work on both sides to keep up friendship when you’re not actually in the same place.  Life gets in the way.

It seems like a lot of my friends also have these life-long friends that they have these great histories with.  My cast of characters keeps changing.  I know some of that falls on me too.  I’ve grown and changed and am definitely not the same person as I was oh so many years ago.  But at 25, I’m hoping that a lot of these people stick around.  My group is filled with musicians and bloggers, writers and mennonites (or well, people I went to college with).  They’re my family.  I don’t want them to change with the seasons.

There are a few small things I’m doing to keep myself together and to not let small things ruin my day, week, or holiday season.  Though I am tired, and sore, and just want to have someone hold me til I fall asleep pass out… Overall I’m doing quite well and I might not be chipper, but I am good.

I’m doing small things for myself.  I’m making sure I’m getting food that I love and eating it guilt free.  Donuts every morning? Okay!  Mexican Food from the place down the street that already knows what my order is going to be? Yes! And no, I don’t feel bad that I’m not trying other things on the menu.  Now is not the time to judge my food choices.

I make sure I start off my day with music.  This month I’ve been listening to an insane amount of Arrah and the Ferns as well as BIGBIGcar.  I’ve even have speakers in my bathroom on top of the shower so I can have music while I relax in a steamy hot shower…

I also have my amazing support network of friends.  Though I only get a few hours each day to be online and hope to talk to a few of them — I do love coming home to cheerful messages, or catching up on the blogs and twitter.  I’m also very excited about someone* new in my life, if you follow both myself and Lovely you’ve probably seen the shared excitement and giggles (ala squeeeeeee!’s)…

Basically, as with any stressful situation, I’m making sure I take time to take care of myself.  I make conscious effort to do things that make me happy.  You’ve got to find your “Happiness is…” moment each day, even if they’re small.

*I know you want to know more about him, but that’s for another day! (Yes, I know. I’m a tease.)
** Another reminder: You can seriously get more info if you also follow me on tumblr.  Just saying.

Two of them are wedding websites. One of those is a gift from me to the couple. (Yay! Libby & Zach are getting married!!) I designed my dad’s and stepmom’s wedding website last summer, and got a decent amount of compliments on it. My dad’s been wanting to push me into freelance web design since. I like the idea of doing wedding sites because I like doing websites that are clean and not overly complicated, but with so many of those websites-in-a-box sites popping up the wedding site market isn’t the easiest. Plus, surprisingly, I don’t know all that many people getting married right now.

The other site I’m doing is for a musician, a jazz trumpeter. He’s played with Bob Hope, Frank Sinatra Jr., the Temptations, Tony Bennett, and a list of others. He’s playing at the Paramount tomorrow. I’m very excited about doing this site. I get to incorporate audio and video, create photo galleries… It’s going to be a fair bit of code and well, I’m a huge nerd and I love me some HTML, CSS, and looking forward to working on some different scripts.

I don’t know if web design will ever be a full-time gig for me. I love it, but I also don’t want to burn out either. It happened with film. But I would love to do sites part-time, not only to supplement my income, but because I really enjoy it. Getting lost in writing websites and troubleshooting the linguistics of it — nerdgasm right there.

yes, this is also on Pink Dinosaurs… I realized it was more than I had intended for tumblr, hence the cross-posting.

Yeah.  I’ve been dealing with that.

I may grow attached to people very quickly, form strong bonds faster than most, but those connections are damn important to me.  They may be rapid, but they run deep.  And when someone who I feel one of those great friendships and connections with just up and leaves… well, it hurts.  A lot.

I had it happen this summer, with the swell guy.  But he’s recently appologized, admitted that he pulled a dick move, and does feel sorry.  So we’re talking again.  And I’m glad to have that friend back.

But I’m still dealing with it now.  And I’m starting to think that take steps away from them might be beneficial.  If they don’t want to talk to me, acknowledge me… then maybe it’s best if I do the same.  Not out of spite, but for the sake of my heart.

What do you do when you feel like you’re losing a friend?  Do you let it slide, or do you fight?

I brought up the issue once.  But I guess… I don’t know.

One thing’s for sure… I am damn grateful for the friends who are active in my life, whether they’re in Chicago, Indy, Boston, LA, moving to Miami, grad school….

But this weekend I did something, albeit awesome and fun, that I wasn’t looking forward to (well, yes, I was, but not what it meant).

This weekend, a small, but spectacularly awesome (if I do say so myself) group of people gathered to say goodbye to our wonderfully awesome Jenn — our own Awesome Face.

No.  She’s not dead.  The interwebs would probably break and even Chuck Norris would cry if that happened.  (It might only be one tear, but he’d be all a mess inside.)  Currently, he’s a little vaclempt… but he’s holding up sportingly.  Our Jenn is moving.  All the fracking way across the country. Yeah.

As these things are, they’re bittersweet.  You’re excited for all the new possibilities for them, but you’re also damn selfish and sad because you want to keep them here.  But I’m pulling out a jar and starting to collect my nickels and dimes so I can fly out there to visit.  We’ve had a lot of great Chicago memories and I’m excited about creating some west coast fun.  (Not has she already had celebrity sightings at work, but she gets a slide too.)

Anyway.  Saturday was a great night.  And I’m very glad I was there.

Yeah, even Tim Gunn showed up to say goodbye…*

I need to go stock up on stamps and postcards now….

*okay, maybe not.  But we did have cake.  A just a lot of fun.

• As mentioned in the previous post, I went to the Gals Guide Summit.  It was really good!  Very fun and informative.  Well organized, and some great swag! Seriously, free Dove deodorant? um, yes.  Also: pizza, chocolates, cookies, cupcakes, and vitamin water!  Plus a lot more.  Jenn’s review (in that last link) covers more of it.  She was there and I was pleasantly surprised to see Rabbit Write (aka Rachel W.) there!
• I had an interview for a job on Thursday.  It went well, and the store owner wants me to meet with the manager (happening on Wednesday).  I believe the phrase she used was “If you’re serious about this job, you should schedule a meeting with the L. Ave store manager.”  Um. YES.
• I got to go to Shedd for free.  I won tickets to the aquarium and to see their new Oceaniarum show, Fantasea.  3 hours of fishes.  Mennogirl and jrosei came after work to join me for the show.  It was a little over the top for me, but I know some young girls who would probably LOVE it.  We then ate at Uber Burger, and walked around downtown for a while.
• The kittens have started waking me up early again.  It’s either by walking on my face or by dive bombing the bed from the top of the window.  They’re either preparing me for a new schedule I don’t know about yet or they’re punishing me for buying crappy food.
• I’ve been hanging out and talking with someone I haven’t seen in a while.  And have thoroughly been enjoying it.
• Once I find out about this job, good or bad, I’m going to take a few days and go visit my dad, stepmom and sisters.

but to all my wonderful and truly amazing friends:

THANK YOU.

I LOVE YOU.

This isn’t because of any one person, or any one event going on right now… It’s long overdue, and I definitely don’t say it enough to the people I care most about.

I’m perfectly OK being single.
Being in a relationship does not change my self worth.  It does not necessarily make me a better person.  And it won’t necessarily make me a happier person either.  Some people can live an amazing part of their adult lives on their own without a boyfriend/girlfriend or spouse (recognized by the government or not)…

However, it is not very common for someone to go that very large part of the lives without some sort of life partner(s)… At least in my opinion.

We’re social creatures.  Communication is an important to our species.  Honestly, I can’t think of any other animal that their mouth’s primary design isn’t for consumption of food but rather for talking.  (I’ve got my linguistic professor, Skip, to thank for that little tidbit of knowledge.)

It’s not necessarily the having a boyfriend thing I miss, it’s having a companion.  I want the person I’m dating to be a good friend, if not my best friend.  I want them to be there enjoying life with me.  Or as I’ve put it a few times, a best friend I get to make out (and other things) with.

As it stands now, I’m living by myself and I don’t get to spend all the much time (offline) with my friends.  I have a social life, but I’m missing that companionship.  When I’m occupying my time with friends, and having people I can still hug on and whatnot, I tend to forget about wanting to date.  It’s still on the back of my mind, but really at that point I’m just missing the making out and other things.  Those things are nice, but they aren’t the point of being in a relationship.

I think that’s why I’m allowing myself to go through all this craziness.  I’m just hoping that at the end of all of this, I’ll get that friend that I want to spend the here and now with… and just maybe my tomorrows too.

*The Missing Peace is actually the title of one of my history books from college.  And while a companion (boyfriend, girlfriend, spouse or other) won’t make me a complete person, there is no “better half”… there is a sort of peace that comes from being with such a person.