Now, I’m not going to make this a deep post, and I’ll probably steal that intro and actually do a post on the subject…. but nonetheless, I do have one regret from this weekend:

I regret not taking pictures of my family and I at the apple orchard.

I had a lot of fun with them, ate a couple apples, skipped over puddles, and giggled with my niece… but I do wish I have photos of that day.

It’s hard choosing between just enjoying the moment and being in the moment, as opposed to enjoying the memory and being behind the lens.  I feel like I lose a lot when I focus on taking pictures.  But at the same time, I value a lot of my pictures that I have.

I was only at my dad’s for basically a day, but in that day I could have gotten photos of the orchard — “test” apples, my brother climbing trees, my dad and stepmom holding hands in the parking lot… playing Wii with my siblings, my niece playing the DS Lite that I gave my brother… my niece when she just about passed out on my brother (who was passed out in the chair)…

There are other memories I wish I had photos of… but I’m okay with my faulty camera in my mind…

• As mentioned in the previous post, I went to the Gals Guide Summit.  It was really good!  Very fun and informative.  Well organized, and some great swag! Seriously, free Dove deodorant? um, yes.  Also: pizza, chocolates, cookies, cupcakes, and vitamin water!  Plus a lot more.  Jenn’s review (in that last link) covers more of it.  She was there and I was pleasantly surprised to see Rabbit Write (aka Rachel W.) there!
• I had an interview for a job on Thursday.  It went well, and the store owner wants me to meet with the manager (happening on Wednesday).  I believe the phrase she used was “If you’re serious about this job, you should schedule a meeting with the L. Ave store manager.”  Um. YES.
• I got to go to Shedd for free.  I won tickets to the aquarium and to see their new Oceaniarum show, Fantasea.  3 hours of fishes.  Mennogirl and jrosei came after work to join me for the show.  It was a little over the top for me, but I know some young girls who would probably LOVE it.  We then ate at Uber Burger, and walked around downtown for a while.
• The kittens have started waking me up early again.  It’s either by walking on my face or by dive bombing the bed from the top of the window.  They’re either preparing me for a new schedule I don’t know about yet or they’re punishing me for buying crappy food.
• I’ve been hanging out and talking with someone I haven’t seen in a while.  And have thoroughly been enjoying it.
• Once I find out about this job, good or bad, I’m going to take a few days and go visit my dad, stepmom and sisters.

I’m about two steps from loosing it completely…

I just don’t want to acknowledge tomorrow.  I want to hide under the covers, knock myself out with whatever I can, and just wait until October 6th — because surely everything will be better the day after.

In the end, what is one day?

There’s just so many emotions wrapped up in all of this.  It’s more than just missing her and the fact that she’s gone.  It’s the fear of losing others, the fear of how I’m going to go.  It’s the loneliness and longing to be loved.  It’s the empathy for all the pain my father and my sisters must be going through, for what my brother is going through…  That I wasn’t there, that I didn’t go see her more that last year.  That I can’t reconcile that I still have and love my mom, and I that I do feel blessed to have my stepmom in my life, but yet I’ve still lost a parent, I’ve lost a mom.

Tomorrow is a painful scar on my calendar.  That three years out, I can’t accept that this is something you cannot get over.  That I’ll never stop crying.

There is so much in these tears.  There is just too much weight held in this one day.  Too much carried over from all these other issues.  I don’t want tomorrow to happen.  I don’t want to deal with the fact that tomorrow happened three years ago.

Mostly, there hasn’t been issues.  It’s just another place for my mom and I to express our combined dorkiness.  Yes, I do sort of have to watch my status updates a little — I mean, I tend to forget that not only does my mom see theses, but my brother, an uncle, and a handful of cousins…  Mom’s not too fond of the “no pants” updates…

Anyway… A lot of times, it’s just mom and I making fun of each other:

(Yeah, thanks mom.)

But um… today… I found this:

There’s only one reaction appropriate for this: EWWW!! EWEWEW! GROSS!

I’m happy my mom’s dating again — and a dude with a motorcycle (a former music professor of hers and “famous” local trumpet player)… but yeah, um, ew.

• I’ve been unemployed for about a month and half now
• I didn’t get the writing job in Madison, let alone an interview
• I’m practically a hermit
• Credit card debt? Yeah, um, hi.
• How many times can I get rejected by guys each month?
• I’m on a month-to-month lease
• If I pay my cell phone bill, I don’t know if I can buy food
• I can’t afford rent next month
• I can’t afford the medications I was previously taking
• I have no idea what’s happening with grad school — as in, if I’m going to apply or if I’ll be able to finish a portfolio in time
• Oh, and yeah, if I do apply to grad school where’s that money going to come from?
• Someone I know in real life has threatened legal action against me (they have no case though)… and there might be awkward, if not potentially frustrating and miserable times ahead (depending on this other person’s actions)

Those are just the things off the top of my head.  I have no idea what’s going on with me or many of those things listed above.  Sometimes I wonder why I’m not stressed — me, the Queen of Stress, who’s been hospitalized with acute, temporary paralysis thanks to stress… How am I calm?  I feel like I should be freaked out.  (And yes, I know, why am I complaining? Shouldn’t this be a good thing?)

Well, for one… My mom’s talked about loaning some money so I can stay in Chicago another month.  And also, something about my cell bill and helping make sure that the kittens and I have food.  I’ve got a freelance web design job lined up for next month too… It won’t be much, but it’s something.  And I am still applying to jobs.  (I’m awesome, someone will hire me.)  And, um, yeah, flirting still.  I sort of have a little bit of a crush on someone… and I honestly don’t care if it develops into anything.  Truly.  It’s just been fun talking to someone and giggling.  (I’m awesome, someone will date me.)

I may not know what’s going to happen, or how things are going to be taken care of… I don’t even know how long I’ll stay in Chicago.  Things will work out though.  Somehow.  Right?

I’ve been here visiting family, and a friend… it’s been good.  However.  I miss Chicago.  I miss the kittens.  I miss walking places.  I even miss getting my ass handed to me by Rachel in Mario Kart — though, I’ve heard rumors that Jenn’s someone to watch out for…

Lovely’s been wonderful AMAZING and watching the kitties for me…  And I can’t wait to get home and go on a cupcake date with her!!

Anyway.  I do have things to do here… like take a trumpet in for a mouthpiece pull… but yeah. Updates. You’ll get them. Family stuffs of the best kind.  And I’ll get the next installment of the boy drama… But yeah. I miss Chicago and my lovely friends who inhabit it.

Last night I got a text message from my brother… I didn’t think much of it.  Timmy generally texts me at random times because he’s bored.  So I didn’t answer.  This morning I got back with him.  He just wanted to let me know that he was in Tennessee.  Um.. Ok… Nice to know… Why?  “I’m getting hitched.”  Ok, crazybrothersaywhat?!

Yep.  My brother and his girlfriend eloped in Tennessee today.  You should also probably know that Timmy got his divorce papers a few weeks ago.  He had been seeparated for a couple years, and dating Steph for a while now… but still.  This was a shock to me.  Given that both of them had already gone through the big wedding ceremony previously, they just wanted this to be a small celebration just for the two of them.  Their kids weren’t even present.

In talking with my mom and grandma, it seems that all of us are generally happy for him.  We all wanted to be sure he really wanted this and wasn’t rushing into it… but well, as long as my Timmers is happy, then I’m happy.  Lil G (my niece) really likes Steph and her kids, so well, I’m looking forward to get to know her.

I assured my mom that I wasn’t going to do anything like that though.  I want the big party and the dress.  Not sure which I want more.  Probably going to go with the big party with all my friends, family, and the person I love.  However, don’t get excited.  I’m not thinking marriage right now.  I’m just enjoying things one day at a time.

So… congrats Timmy & Steph!

That, my friends, is someone who definitely makes my list of all-time favorite people.  And today, he turns 27.

It is my job as a little sister to idolize my older brother… and well, I met that criteria from birth.  I was always trailing behind him, wherever Timmy went, I wanted to go to.  And while his first word was “kitty” — a nice two syllable word — mine was “Tim”.  So much for the typical “momma” and “dada” stuff; maybe it says something about our priorities at that age… Especially given that Tim once tried to stick our grandfather’s cat’s head in his mouth… (This was before I was born, so I’m just going based on the stories I know.)

Just as it was my job to love and adore, and ultimately (at least mildly) annoy my dear older brother… It was his job to watch out for and protect his awkward, well-meaning little sister.  He and his friends (who all became sort of a network of other brothers for me) taught me how to play baseball, football, street hockey, they helped me with my bike and roller blades, and they also teamed up to tease me too… My brother also allowed me to help him practice some of his wrestling moves — mainly all the ones where I was pinned down and completely immobile.

Though we did fight and argue (or as my mom would say, scream.. which I guess I can take the credit for most of it), it was generally only when we were just goofying around having fun that one of us would get hurt.  (Though, well, I went through a biting phase when I was really young…) There are two — though one could argue only one — situations where I actually got hurt a bit more than intended…  Timmy and I were goofying off, and he went in to pretend like he was going to headbutt me (I had a pillow covering my face), and well, I moved the pillow and his forehead met my nose.  The second time was pretty much the same situation, except at a different house, and well, we don’t think I moved the pillow this time… But the thing is, each of us only remember one of the situations.. so this is why maybe it only happened once, and well, given the blow my nose and his head took.. that’s why the memory is fuzzy… But it’s left me with a crack in the bridge of my nose.  His hard head went unscathed until a bmx biking accident about four years ago — resulting in 13 stitches in his head and one fake tooth.

As much as he’s protective of me — all the boys in school knew who’s little sister I was — I was (and still am) pretty protective of my Timmy.  Back in 1996, my brother became very ill.  We took him to a walk-in clinic, who said it was just the flu and to give him tons of liquid, sports drinks, and rest… So Timmy rested, and drank a lot of gatoraide… and got worse.  My mother called our normal physician — Timmy was jaundice and pretty much just a skeleton — and the proceeded to take him to the ER.  We were told that Tim had a blood sugar level over 1500, and should probably be in a coma (if not worse)… My big brother was diagnosed with Diabetes type I.  He’s since managed the condition pretty well.  But I’ll never forget how close I was to loosing my bubby.

While he does continue to do some stupid stuff… I still have so much respect for my brother.  He’s smarter than he’ll give himself credit.  Also… Timmy’s one hell of a father.  I love him and his little girl so much… I would do anything for them.

Happy Birthday Timmy!

I love you, bubby, beyond words.

• only packing laundry leaves for an interesting selection of clothes; in my case, just a handful of tshirts and jeans, only one nice top, and a whole lot of socks and underwear.
• sleeping in the schoolroom is nice because it has doors (privacy), but it also means I have to be up and have my mattress out of the room before home school starts for my sisters…
• my skills in zoning out/ignoring are still strong, with the volume and energy of my sisters, this has been nice at times
• I’m surprised I’m not more tired than I am, given that I’ve been staying up until after 1 or 2a most nights and waking up at 8:30a every morning.
• variety is not really a large part of my family’s diet, or at least their pantry…
• it’s harder to take a nap without at least one kitten
• I haven’t listened to my iPod (and subsequently any of my music) since early saturday morning. This mildly bothers me, but I have yet to go fetch my iPod out of my purse…
• apparently there are a lot of forms and paperwork related to taking a leave from work
• I’m actually a lot stronger than I allow myself to believe and actually had the answers I needed in regards to resolving (or working to resolve) my workplace stress (which is why I’m not currently at work)
• I tend to lie to myself and let myself think there is more hope for a relationship when it comes to men I’m interested in than there probably is…
• That said, I do know and realize that I am a damn good catch, and that someone will see that and want to be a part of my awesomeness
• I still really enjoy going through, reading and writing HTML, CSS, and PHP… and am impressed in my ability to troubleshoot various issues
• Wood burning stoves are ridiculously hot and you shouldn’t (accidentally) brush your arm against them.

While I wouldn’t consider myself a pro at it by any means, I have been a member of some various internet dating site for about 8 years now.  And yes, if you do the math, that meant that I was under the age of 18 when I signed up for my first account… But hey, I did find my date for my junior prom so, it wasn’t so bad.  And I did tell him my real, younger, age before meeting in person.  Now, eight years ago, that was probably a pretty dumb thing for me to do.  Things have changed a bit, and it’s become marginally more acceptable.  My mom uses online dating sites, as did my dad to find my new stepmom, and my cousin who just got married found her husband thanks to eHarmony.

Every site is a bit different, and each will draw their own crowd.  I personally stick to sites that don’t require me to pay for anything.  Maybe if I was actually desperate to be in a relationship, or to get married, I might… but even though I’m on these sites, I actually have very low expectations of meeting people, or at least meeting people that I’ll actually end up dating.  Like I said, I like looking at various males’ profiles (okay, mainly their pictures), but I also like getting emails from various males most of which reminding me how attractive I am.  Even if I am in no way remotely even attracted to them, it’s still nice to hear.

I actually have met some pretty interesting people from the most recent site I’ve been on.  Well, actually, I met one person who introduced me to a lot of other people who are also on that site.  And then I met one who was either having a bad night or, well, not that happy of a person…  And then there was the Virginian… But out of all the emails I get, a small handful are worth responding to.  And lately I feel pretty lucky that there’s been a couple who… well, I smile quite a bit when I see I’ve got a message from them in my inbox.  And really, there’s one in particular that I wouldn’t mind meeting offline one of these days.

I will admit, it is sort of an odd thing.  Chrizzle and I have discussed this.  When you meet someone online, you tend to want to develop things quickly, or at least, more so than if you had just met in person maybe.  That all it takes is a couple emails and then you’re ready to not only meet this stranger in person but probably also do a little bit of making out and maybe more…

The sites are fun, and do provide entertainment (especially during the lulls at work)… but I think they can be terrible replacements for an interpersonal relationship.  However, I never can quite convince myself to delete my account.