oh my goodness. you make me feel normal. like i’m not crazy. i’m just falling….incredibly, incredibly hard.

and fast.”

-Erika, in a comment on that last post.

I make someone feel normal.   Seriously.
Sorry.  Just needed to bask in the glory of that sentiment for a bit…

You all know I’m uber happy right now.  You all know that I think Jaron is the best.  You all know that we’re a ridiculously, adorably and nauseatingly cute couple.

And as Erika pointed out, I’m not the only one.  I love that I’m sharing in this OMG YAY-ness.  It started out with Joy and her Writer.  Then all the steamy awesomeness that is Erika and Blog Boy.  The VERY brand new-ness (and nothing official-ness, yet still exciting-ness) of Manic Cupcake and The Bad Boy.  And the couple that will out-cute us all, my dear dear friend Lovely and C.  (And as far as well established couples, I definitely look up to Rachel & Dan.)  Doniree and Mawls also recently started things up — though I know less about those relationships.  There’s got to be more.  Seriously.  It definitely feels like the twitterpating started WAY before spring this year.

Heck, even my mom is in a new and pretty awesome relationship.

As much as I love sharing in the glee and giggles, I know not everyone is at this place.  People are going through heartbreak.  Someone I care about deeply put her heart out there and got a “not now” and a lot of mixed signals in return.  I’ve read on at least two or three different blogs how done people are with dating, online and off.  My own brother is ending his second marriage (with a woman who never deserved him).

In observing these other relationships or lackthereof, I found myself comparing where I’m at with all of them.  Is it too early to feel this great, to like him so much?  Is it weird we’ve only talked on the phone once?  How should we be balancing this whole who travels to see whom thing?  Should I not have already expressed that I’d be more than 100% okay if he moved to Chicago?  Is it weird that he and I have both realized and thought about the whole “four cats” situation?  Am I rushing things?  Is it odd that we’ve basically picked out my new couch together?

With all of these ponderings… I only have one conclusion.  There is no right or wrong in this.  There’s only what’s right for us.  Our relationship is not theirs and we’re on our own timeline.  I need to quit questioning things and just keep enjoying it.  Because really, as I’ve said before, this is the best journey ever.

I feel like I’ve been getting better about all of this.  Not letting crushes over take my life and all.  But I’ve got to admit, my hopes are definitely up right now.  And I’m not sure I can jump high enough to get a hold of them.

I like Jaron.  He was the last guy on The List.  And I like him.  He loathes cilantro, would prefer tomatoes and mushrooms not to be included, can enjoy a movie for the sake that it’s a movie and not get caught up in petty details, owns two adorable cats, sends me kitteh videos, writes amazingly long email responses to my amazingly long emails, shares similar values as I do, is very open and comfortable about being open… and he’s cute.  And I like him.

There’s a couple things though.  Jaron doesn’t live in Chicago.  And I haven’t seen him in about 5 years.  So as much as I like him, I’m nervous.

He and I have both changed since we were in college together.  This doesn’t bother me too much, mainly because we’ve talked more now than we probably did in college.  We’re getting along great online.  Which is why my hope is so high.  But I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about a possible lack of chemistry offline.  We’re basing everything so far on pixels.  It’s just emails and IMs and whatever pictures we find when we’re stalking each other.

But even if there is offline, real world chemistry, I then have to deal with the fact we’re not in the same city.  It’s a four hour train ride just to get to a city close to him, and then have to have him pick me up if I were to visit.  He’s not that far away, but he’s still not here.

He’s coming to visit.  A week from tomorrow, he’s coming to visit.  Only for a weekend.  But I’ll take it.  I’m excited. He’s excited. (He’s told me, and that kicks ass.)

I like him.  And he’s coming to visit.  And my hopes are definitely up with this one.

I’m starting this from my college years – but if you really want to know I had 12 “boyfriends/relationships” before then (with the first being in 1997).   I’m not really counting those as anything too significant.  Anyway.  The list is 2003 – Present.  (Most of which is post-college, 2007 and forward.)  Here we go…

The Ex (Sean) – My first and only college boyfriend.  We started dating the second or third week into my frosh year.  I was quickly enamored with this mutton-chopped guy with a blue Mohawk.  We dated on and off until the summer after my sophomore year – after he had graduated.  He was my first, as I was his.  I was in love, or what I thought was love.  He wasn’t.  So he ended.  It was the right thing.

GC#1 – He had graduated before me, and was visiting campus… we were at a party together, and this is when beer decided to end out friendship… So after two beers I was drunk.  (Not sloppy drunk, but still feeling it.)  We decided to head back to my room, where lots and lots and lots of making out happened.

GC#2 – He was a class or two below me, and had a little bit of a reputation around campus.  We had made out after the Halloween progressive, and on our way back to the dorms he got distracted by a group of girls in his class.  Anyway, senior year we hooked up on night.  We had this ‘flirt-hate’ relationship, and that night it was flirt, which lead to “come over”, which lead to…. Yeah….

GC#3 – Another guy a class below me.  And another one I had made out with during my junior year.  Fast forward to after I had moved away to the city and I’m visiting for a friend’s wedding.  At the After-Reception Party, we made eyes, flirted a little, then I went back to my friend’s house… where he latter ended up.  And I ended up doing something on the front porch… A show for all the Main Street truckers?

The Rocker – Met him craigslist.  Long hair, about my height.  The first date we ended up meeting one of his friends and seeing Transformers together.  We sort of stayed friends until a few months later.. then I went over to his house, stayed the night, fooled around… then we sort of lost contact.

The Lost Child – Met him on craigslist too.  Showed up wearing a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles shirt.  He ate my ramen (DON’T BE GROSS!).  We watched Milo & Otis together.  Pretty sure we made out some.  Also fell asleep together.  He had no direction in life.

The Crazy One – Met him on craigslist as well.  He had been discharged from the army.  He wore crazy platform goth boots shipped from Italy.  He played synth in some weird religious goth band.  We made out.  I told him no sex ‘cause I didn’t want to rush things again.  Using the word “again” sent him off because apparently I have baggage… however it should be said that I wasn’t allowed to cheat on him because that’s happened to him in the past… Also, he considered making out more intimate than sex.  Called it “soul kissing”…  I stopped meeting people from craigslist after this.

The Virginian – Met him through okc.  He was older, 30… But a lot of fun to hang out with.  We got coffee, went back to his place, watched a movie, made out a lot… I stayed the night.  He slept over at my place at least once.  Outside of making out nothing ever happened.  Decided we were better as friends.

Shipping Room Guy – One of my co-workers at the University.  We went to a Hawks game together with other co-workers.  He, myself, and another one of the shipping guys went back to his house.  Got really drunk.  A bit of making out and wondering hands.  Yep.

Douchebag #1 & Douchbag #2 – I was really drunk. I don’t want to talk about it.

Adam – Met him through my friend Dan (who I met online).  Only made out a few times.  Some wondering hands too.  But we’re just friends.

Potluck Guy #1 – Met through Dan.  He drove me home one night, and was a bit too tired and well, drunk, to drive back home so he stayed over (in the living room)… but not before a goodnight make out session.

Potluck Guy #2 – Met through Dan.  He hosted the potluck with his roommate.  After a decent amount of wine… well… yeah… Lots-o-making out.  He came over to my place once for a date of sorts, aka more making out.  Decided maybe we were better as friends.

Sweater Boy – Met online.  Went on one date to see my friend Andy’s band play.  He’s getting his MFA in Creative Writing, so we talked a lot about writing and literature.  Train gets to my stop and I ask if he wants to come over.  Things ended up in the bedroom.

The Neighbor – Met online.  We exchanged a lot of emails and IMed a lot before we finally met in person.  And well, had and I had an arrangement.  F-buddies and nothing more.  I had a first with him too… and was caught off guard when it happened.

One of the guys from the concert – Met him at a Mucca Pazza concert.  Made out with him and another guy at the show.  This one came home with me.  Only made out… just wasn’t feelin’ it.

Mr. Funny – Met online.  We had a shared love of China, since we had both been there.  Chemistry in the bedroom just wasn’t there…

The Bandmate – Met through my band, obviously.  He was leaving and so we went out with another friend of ours… After making out for a while, I decided to give him a little going away present… in our friend’s car… (SORRY!)

The Boy – Met online.  You’ve read a lot about him already.  There was happiness, then not so happiness.  Then no talking, then talking again, then hooking up.  We still talk occasionally.

The one I almost killed – Met online.  Walked to the lake, talked, decided to come back to my house… fooled around… then he almost died of an allergic reaction to my cats.  It wasn’t like I didn’t tell him have TWO cats…

The Idiot – Met through my brother.  We fooled around after my brother’s wedding reception… and then he came to visit… I wasn’t feeling it… and then he threatened to sue me, you remember that, right?

The Comedian – Met online.  Went out for drinks at the bar near my house… went back to my house to make out… then hooked up.

Frank – Met through his sister/online.  I really enjoyed my time with him… things just didn’t work out.

The Musician – Met through mutual friends/musicians.  He was older, really sweet, and a giver.  Really enjoyed my time with him… and well, things in the bedroom were great too.  He’s now dating another friend of mine, and I think they’re a great and cute couple.

The Hacker – Met online.  Turns out we have some mutual friends.  Made out some… but decided it wasn’t right.

4-Day – Met online.  Got all caught up in the romantic acts, the flowers and him being sweet.  He is a really sweet guy, just not the right one for me.  Oh, we hooked up.  Duh.

The Macedonian – Met at a Mucca Pazza concert.  Went back to his house, hooked up, left my phone at his place.  I went to get it the next day, and stayed over again.  Not the story you were hoping for?  We just started talking at the concert, and at one point he asked if I wanted to make out.  Make out with a sexy European dude? YES.  After the show, I didn’t realize we were going back to his place, I thought we were going to meet his friends at another bar.  He’s got an adorable dog, which seemed to take to me really quickly.  He smokes, and smokes pot – two qualities I don’t necessarily like, but tolerate.  He brings me coffee in bed, after we wake up (generally near or after noon).  We talk about music, random life stuff, and I ask about Macedonian a lot.  I haven’t seen him in a while, but we text every once in a while.  I don’t really know what he’s looking for, or (honestly) what I want from it.

Jaron – Met in college.  He was in Sean’s class, and well he was closer friends with Sean than with me.  We’ve been reconnecting online a lot lately.  A LOT.   He’s cute, and funny, and I get unbelievably excited when I get an email or IM or @-reply from him…  It’s still all very new so the butterflies are very much present.  I’ve always had a weakness for GC guys – it’s just nice to have someone who shares some of the same ideals I do, or at least understands them.  But in our reconnecting we’ve found a lot in common (like our shared loathing for cilantro).  I haven’t seen him in about five years. He’s coming to visit me really soon.  He doesn’t live in the city.  So if things were to happen, there are some things to think about and discuss.  But, regardless, I’m excited to see him… and it might not need to be said… but I really like him…

He made me really happy, but I wasn’t ready for the whole boyfriend-girlfriend thing with him just yet — major surprise to me.  So I wanted to step back.  And I probably fumbled my words a lot when I said this.  Anyway.  He decided he never wants to hear from me again.

And that’s the tale of my Four-Day Boyfriend.

It still hurts some.  He’s a sweet guy who treated me well.  Something just didn’t feel right.  And rather than wait for a fiery crash, I did something.

However, just today, I noticed he viewed my profile on the dating site we met on.  I so wanted to contact him.  But I’m not going to.  He asked that I didn’t contact him, he unfriended me on facebook and deleted any record of me.

At least he said goodbye, unlike some other guys who were once in my life. (Remember that time I was involved with another blogger?) … anyway.

This is where I say I’m still trying.  I’m still hopeful I’ll find some amazing guy — or he’ll find me… that somehow this amazing person will enter my life.  I’m not asking for the love of my life… I’m still young.  But yeah, I wouldn’t mind someone decent to spend some time with.

I kept seeing this guy pop up in the list of guys who viewed my profile, and well, yeah, I kept checking his out too.  He’s definitely cute.  I kept hoping he’d send me a message, but it didn’t happen — yet we kept checking out each other’s profiles.  So, I decided to send him a message.  We talked online for a little bit, decided to meet up — doesn’t really seem out of the ordinary, right?

He picked me up from work — (and side note: he’s got a sweet car; cute little 2-seater convertible… definite bonus) — and we’re both indifferent on where to go.  So we just drive.  We drive and drive and drive.  And talk.  The entire time the conversation just felt natural.  It wasn’t until we got out of the city a ways and realized we’d been driving for a while, but decided to keep going… and then we realized we weren’t all that far from Wisconsin.  So we stopped and talked a bit more even.  And because he didn’t want to keep me out late when I had work the next day, we decided to head back to the city and towards home.

I didn’t want the night to end.  And then we got to my house… and I didn’t want to go in.  I wanted to stay in that car, with him, for as long as I could.  It was only our first date, but I felt so amazingly comfortable around him.

Anyway.  Yeah.  I was already swooning last night….

and then I got flowers…

Middle of the day at work, busy on the phone with a customer when my manager yells for me then points at this delivery guy carrying some weird package.  I point that I’m on the phone, and then I realize what it is.  It’s a bouquet.  Someone sent me flowers.  HOLY SHIT I JUST GOT FLOWERS DELIVERED TO ME AT WORK!

Seriously.  A dozen pink roses.  All for me.  There was no card, but I knew who it had to be from.  My family wouldn’t have sent me flowers… but I had to make sure.  And after a text, yes, they were from him.  The Prince.*  You couldn’t remove the smile from my face if you tried.

I’m seriously really happy right now.  I have no intentions on meeting or seeing anyone else.  And I absolutely cannot wait to see him again! (“omg monday!” – The Prince)

*Sticking with these names I’m creating.  It fits well — he once called himself the “bar Prince” in an email (his parents own a bar), he’s also amazingly sweet and charming.  And here’s the other info you probably want to know..  he owns his own business, he’s 30… he’s hot.    Maybe I’ll post a picture after our next date.

There are a few small things I’m doing to keep myself together and to not let small things ruin my day, week, or holiday season.  Though I am tired, and sore, and just want to have someone hold me til I fall asleep pass out… Overall I’m doing quite well and I might not be chipper, but I am good.

I’m doing small things for myself.  I’m making sure I’m getting food that I love and eating it guilt free.  Donuts every morning? Okay!  Mexican Food from the place down the street that already knows what my order is going to be? Yes! And no, I don’t feel bad that I’m not trying other things on the menu.  Now is not the time to judge my food choices.

I make sure I start off my day with music.  This month I’ve been listening to an insane amount of Arrah and the Ferns as well as BIGBIGcar.  I’ve even have speakers in my bathroom on top of the shower so I can have music while I relax in a steamy hot shower…

I also have my amazing support network of friends.  Though I only get a few hours each day to be online and hope to talk to a few of them — I do love coming home to cheerful messages, or catching up on the blogs and twitter.  I’m also very excited about someone* new in my life, if you follow both myself and Lovely you’ve probably seen the shared excitement and giggles (ala squeeeeeee!’s)…

Basically, as with any stressful situation, I’m making sure I take time to take care of myself.  I make conscious effort to do things that make me happy.  You’ve got to find your “Happiness is…” moment each day, even if they’re small.

*I know you want to know more about him, but that’s for another day! (Yes, I know. I’m a tease.)
** Another reminder: You can seriously get more info if you also follow me on tumblr.  Just saying.

We’re not necessarily socialized for this.  We’re told that if we’re really happy with someone we should only be with that one person.  And I’ve definitely thought that with both of them at different points.  I’ve only been seeing them for a few months, and I’m really not sure what will develop from either.

One thing I’ve learned that I have found that knowing that either guy is seeing other women isn’t really too big of an issue to get over.  They’re seeing other girls, I’m seeing other guys.  I really have no reason to get upset.  But I have found that I don’t really care to know who these other women are.  I can get a little competitive, and thinking “is she seeing him more often than me? kissing him more? does he like her more?!?!” — yeah, not what I want.  However, well, that’s taking a new turn.

The Musician recently informed me that he’s just starting seeing one of our mutual friends.  A woman whom I had previous talked about guys with and all our crushes — and yes, the Musician had come up.  But by the time I started seeing him, we hadn’t been talking about guys as much.  So I didn’t tell her.  It is hard to be supportive of all of this.  Yeah sure, date my friend too. But really, what do I say?

He informed her last night during dinner.  He said that she was cool, and that things should work out — meaning his relationship with her and my friendship with her.  I really don’t want to lose or damage my friendship with her, but again, sharing a guy?  There’s still the potential for disaster.

I still hope he and I are on the same page — I have no idea how he explained our history to her or really anything.  As I said, I do really like this guy.  He makes me happy.  And though yes, I’m still seeing The Boy, and I just asked out The Cute Banker, and I’m still checking my okc profile — when I’m with The Musician, I’m only with the Musician.

Open relationships aren’t for everyone.  What’s hardest for me is moments like now, when I’m home alone, when I want to have someone special to be with.  Who do I call?  Who do I text?  I go through a list pretty much.  I see which one of the guys is available.  Not having one man that I can depend on to be there for me is hard.  I know the guys support me in my endeavors, but they’re busy.  So despite having a couple really great guys in my life, I’m still sort of lonely.

But as I mentioned, I’m open to the possibility of an exclusive relationship developing with either of those guys, or maybe with someone new.  I’m taking the time to get to know them and find out more about what I want.  Despite the lonely times, I’m still having fun.  I guess that’s what counts.

I don’t know where it came from, but at some point, probably after high school, I let go a little and just decided to approach guys.  I don’t remember being aggressive in high school, but well, I did have 12 “boyfriends” before college.  Maybe Sean, “the ex” and my only college boyfriend, was the first to acknowledge that I was a tiny bit aggressive in letting him know I liked him.

He was involved in theater, doing awesome techie stuff, a computer science major, played viola in orchestra, oh, and he had chops and a blue mohawk.  Nerdy little me was smitten quick.  So what did I do?  I rushed into his room, giggled, and threw a rubber squeaky albatross at him and rushed out.  (Only to sheepishly come back to ask for my bird.)  A few days to a week later we were down by the dam sitting and talking, eventually with my head in his lap.  And that’s when he said, “So Erini, what the fuck?”  Yep.  That’s how he asked me out.

Since then, well, I haven’t quite taken Sean’s approach, but I have just gone for it. I’ve made out with dudes (sober and not so much).  I’ve directly asked what was going on or if they wanted to go out on a date.  I’ve got to say, it does sort of freak some guys out.  Which is sad.  Dudes, if a girl asks you out or shows interest in you take it as a compliment and don’t think she’s trying to emasculate you.  Yeah, I like being pursued too, but I’m okay initiating things.

I took my friend Adam’s phone from him and programmed in my number — this was when we first met and just after we spent some time making out.  I invited Snuggles* The Musician over (which is how we started being more than friends and starting seeing each other).  I’ll dance with guys, I’ll flirt with them, and I’ll make out with them.  Hell, last night, I even emailed the Cute Banker and asked him out!

It may seem like I’m just jumping out there taking risk after risk.  But they’re sort of calculated.  I’m not completely terribly impulsive.  I think about things, mull them over, talk about it, and then decide to just do it.  I think about the different possibilities, decide if it’s something I want, then I go for it.  The worse that can happen is he’ll say no.  If he says any worse than he was definitely not worth it and I can move on very quickly.

I also need to acknowledge my support group too.  I’ve got some Lovely and Awesome women who have helped me through so much of this pink fluffy brain goo crap.  They aren’t the only two gals I go to, nor do I just go to women for dating advice.  But the key is to have at least one person there to help you through this — and really, all other things in life.

Talk with your support group, think it over.  Take a deep breath, then just go for it.  It does get easier with time.  Though I can’t say the butterflies and the pink fluffy brain goo gets any easier to deal with.

*Snuggles is going to get got a new name… though he still is very snuggly.  New name: The Musician.

First off, I guess at this point where I’m at is a little complicated, but at the same time it’s not.  I’m kind of single, but kind of not.  Basically I’m in an open relationship.  Or two. I wouldn’t call either guy my boyfriend, but as I’m sure both of them know or have figured out, I wouldn’t be opposed to that and an exclusive relationship.  But I’m not going to push that on either of them.  If an exclusive relationship develops out of this, then awesome.  But I’m having fun right now, and really enjoying being with boy guys individually.

Secondly, I want to say — as many people have said to probably everyone — you need to be in a decent place with yourself before a great relationship can form.  You don’t need to have everything settled or perfect, but if you’re not happy with yourself, you can’t expect someone else to fix it.  That’s on you to do.  Maybe you’ll meet someone to hold your hand through it or what have you.  But you should not look for someone to fix or make you whole, nor should you look for someone to fix.  We’re not cars.  Yes it’s possibly to find someone while you’re working through hard times and not in the best place in your life — but I wouldn’t actively seek someone out during those times.  Other people will see you’re not ready for a relationship (because you’re not) and the rejection will hurt more.

Now, even if you think you’re ready for a relationship, there will probably still be some rejection.  Hi, look at me and my life.  I’ve been single/not in an exclusive relationship for four and half years now.  Two of them I wasn’t ready to be in one, but now I’d be okay with one.

Mostly, I think being open to possibilities is key.  It’s helped me out a lot.  I’m not saying go out and be in open relationships.  Not everyone is a good fit for that.  But don’t go out thinking there’s either single or not.  Let things take their course and develop.  Don’t rush things.  When you allow yourself to be open to the possibilities, you might be surprised to who might come into your life.

———————————————————–

Now, as I continue this… what relationship questions do you have?  Any particular story of mine you want to hear, any particular guy of mine (past or present) you want to hear more about?  I’m no expert, but I’m more than willing to share my thoughts and experiences with you.

*Yes, I realize that’s what most of my blog is about anyway… but this will be more focused.  and with tips!  tips that are emphasized and maybe even bullet pointed.

So, here’s short little list, with a wee bit of a description, to help.  I’m not going to go into too much detail into the identities of these men.  This is basically just a brief overview, a primer if you will, of the guys… (be they someone I’ve gone on dates with or just a current crush)

• The Boy — he’s a science teacher, gymnastics coach/former gymnast, and drummer.  He’s very pretty.  Yes, we’ve had some not so awesome moments, but… I like him.  Not very much of a cuddler, nor that into cupcakes.
• The Musician Snuggles — I’ve had a terrible time thinking up of some sort of alias for this dude.  But Snuggles will work. He’s probably just as much of a physical/physically expressive person as I am.  (Snuggles -> snuggling…)  He’s creative and talented, and lordy do I find him sexy.  (He sang for me.)  Not only does he like cupcakes, but has suggested we go on cupcake dates.
• The Banker — well, um, probably a bit obvious here, but I’m okay with that.  He’s nice and I’ve enjoyed getting to know him.  It makes depositing my paychecks even more enjoyable.
• The whole foods dude — also a little obvious, but there are a lot of guys who work there.  He seems nice, but I never really get to talk to him.  I also don’t want to be that creepy girl who always waits to go through his line every time…  but he’s cute.
• The swell guy — I’ve known him for almost a year now.  He’s still pretty awesome, but since he’s not in the city, well, we mostly just talk online or text.  He asked if I would be his text lover.
• The neighbor — not really seeing much of him any more.  But he lives close by….  He’s nice and all, but like pretty much every guy I’ve ever been interested in, he’s really busy.
• Jeff — we haven’t met in person yet, but we’ve been talking on and off for over 2 years now.  He’s great.  and trying to take over my comments section here on wench.  He doesn’t live in the city, but close.

There’s the line up.  I trust you’ll ask if you’ve got questions/think I’m missing someone/want more stores.